1. As Long as You Both Remain Married There Is Hope
2. Ignore the Rationales that Make Divorce Sound Appealing
3. Realize the Repercussions of Divorce
4. Put Matters In Their Proper Perspective
5. A Couple Needs Spiritual Guidance
Based on the Teachings of
Rabbi Nachman of Breslov
and of his student
Rabbi Nosson of Breslov
My dear sons and daughters, I urge you to reconsider carefully the grave decision you're about to make, because divorce is not a joke. As long as you both remain married there is hope that matters will improve, but the moment you separate everything is lost, G'd forbid - especially if children are involved. Don't rationalize your actions with excuses such as, "do I have to suffer my whole life because of my children?" When you married you both entered a partnership - for better or for worse - including the responsibility of raising the children. Divorce is only a means of evading that responsibility; it's not a solution! Therefore, I beg you to reconsider the tragic step you are about to take. Don't let your emotions cloud your judgement, convincing you that your marriage is irreparable. Admittedly, your life has become a living hell, with your house a battleground, as you fight and bicker day and night. Feeling defeated, nothing matters to you anymore, so you're ready to give up. You must not give up! Cling to your faith! Believe that things can change. It's wrong of both of you to feel that the other won't change. If you are determined, you can change everything.
Therefore, before making a rash decision such as divorce, realize that you're playing with a raging fire that will not only consume you, but your children as well. The majority of emotionally disturbed children are products of broken marriages, so don't dismiss the damage your actions will cause with excuses such as "because of my children, I must suffer?" The children's welfare must be taken into account, in your decision, because it is they who will be left feeling deprived, needy, and orphan-like. And, even if your divorce is amiable, nonetheless, the children are emotionally scarred for life, the stigmatizing effects of which are irrevocable.
I beg you, before going ahead with such a tragic move, seek religious counseling with a tzaddik, a religious authority of outstanding calibre, and get some sound advice on solving your thorny marital problems. No matter what the circumstance, there is a solution to every problem, if competent and professional help is sought. Keep in mind that it was Providence that brought you together, so you are meant for each other. In fact, prior to entering this world, your souls existed as one entity. Upon arrival in this world, however, the soul split into two with the object of eventual reunification, through marriage; an often complicated task accompanied by emotional pain and suffering. Remember how you agonized over the question, "is this the right one?" Think about how may mountains had to be moved in order to put you both together! Now, because your marriage is teetering and you can not longer bear all the arguments and fights, you curse the day you met. You allow yourself to lose sight of the fact that your marriage serves a higher purpose. Recognize that there is no reality independent of G'd, and that everything and every situation, including yours, is part of G'd's Divine Plan. Where else can one better perceive the guiding hand of G'd, than in the delicate matter of matchmaking - where literally mountains have to be moved to join two disparate personalities. But, what often happens is that the couple, lacking the proper guidance and direction on how to stay married, begin to disagree. Soon enough, arguments ensue and become heated until the whole house becomes a combat zone. The couple senselessly continue on this warpath, hurting and insulting one another to the point that only divorce is seen as the way out. Were the couple to have simple faith in G'd's control over fate, and stop blaming each other for every little thing, then they would work tirelessly to maintain peace and harmony between themselves. And even if they have made attempts in the past at reconciliation, and even if they involved a third party in their marital brawls to arbitrate, their efforts were probably met with failure due to one fact: a couple needs the spiritual guidance of a tzaddik, a righteous figure, who can skillfully assist them in navigating through the rugged terrain of marital conflict and discord. Remember, peace is synonymous with G'dliness (Shabbos, 10), and G'd himself seeks peace. The Sages taught (Gittin, 90), "Whoever divorces his first wife, even the altar sheds tears!" In the Zohar (Pikudei, 255) it's brought that there are two chief angels appointed over twelve thousand subordinate angels, all who shed tears when a man divorces his wife, because the seven nuptial blessings uttered under the marriage canopy are in vain.
Don't think that by divorce you're gaining, on the contrary, you're only hurting each other and ruining the lives of your children. Your marriage affects the destinies of many people and has many spiritual ramifications, so reconcile at all costs. To save a marriage involves hard work and the willingness to change. Work on your personality by leaming to control your temper and to channel hostile impulses into constructive avenues so that they don't erupt into arguments. Marital disputes are often senseless and generally revolve around one point: the need to be right; he maintains that he's right, and she insists that she's right. Consequently, you both feel that your differences are irreconcilable, and therefore divorce seems to be the only logical solution! I caution you before making such a weighty decision, to give the matter more thought. Consult with an expert, renowned for his righteousness, to discuss every angle behind your decision. Divorce is a very painful decision that's hurtful not only to all parties involved - your family, parents and children - but even to G'd Himself.
Moreover, why not think more in terms of saving your marriage, by taking positive steps towards improving your relationship. Open the lines of communication between yourselves and start developing mutual understanding and cooperation that heretofore, were missing. Your rivalry up until now is what brought you to the brink of divorce. Under no circumstances should you hastily go through with divorce. Remember, the impact of your actions will be felt for generations and then it's too late. In your scheming mind you may be toying with the idea of trying out divorce temporarily for a week, a month, or for a year - just to see how things will work out - confident that you will always be able to get back together. Plots like this are doomed to failure because the impact of divorce on the relationship and to the family are as devastating as they are irrevocable, as alluded to in Koheles (1:5),"a blunder that can't be rectified". Most instances of emotional disturbance in children are a result of broken marriages. Therefore, weigh the risks carefully before making such a radical decision. If you see the wisdom behind these words and make the right choice you will know happiness the rest of your life.
Not everything you want you get; not everything you get you want. You
may not feel compatible with your spouse, but it doesn't give you the
license to recklessly destroy your family. Divorce may seem to be the
only viable alternative to your beleaguered marriage but, bear in mind
that you are jeopardizing your future and there's no turning back. Right
now you think you have nothing to lose because you've suffered the
endless arguments, shouting matches, and crushing heartache of a
marriage gone sour; it's so bad, how can it get worse? Don't be
mistaken! A person doesn't know what pain and suffering means until he
experiences the ravages of divorce on himself and his family -
especially when children are involved. Don't do it! Don't divorce! Why
do you allow yourself to be pressured into a decision to divorce by your
supposed friends? Realize that their opinions are expressed only out of
self-interest, motivated by jealousy, maliciousness, self-promotion and
their need to be controlling. Woe unto the person that seeks to destroy
a Jewish home! They are guilty of ruining the lives of the children and
the destinies of their generations to come. G'd himself moums the fate
of the two unfortunate souls whose earthly purpose was undermined. The
couples soul's originally existed as one entity, which divided upon
entering this world. How many universes had to be traversed and how many
circumstances did the Almighty have to contrive to bring these two
disparate beings together in marriage. Now, because of selfish motives,
someone callously interferes in G'd's handiwork and breaks up a
marriage! Whoever persuades a couple to divorce is an enemy of society
who derives malicious pleasure out of seeing the destruction of all that
is beautiful in G'd's world. It is G'd, himself, who takes active part
in joining couples together, as is taught, "from the day the world was
created, G'd is continuously pairing couples together for marriage"
(Breishis Rabba 68:4). But in the spirit of free will, G'd gives us the
challenge to follow His choice or not. if a person lacks sense, then he
follows after the desires of his own heart, choosing the path of
destruction and losing everything.
Therefore, ignore all the rationales in your mind that make divorce
sound so appealing and stop entertaining thoughts that your life will
improve through separation. Your life will only be more bitter and
there's no guarantee that if you marry the second a result of having
witnessed graphically the ugly fights and nasty exchanges between their
warring parents and respective families, develop into social misfits. In
a metaphysical sense, if you divorce, you forfeit your share in the next
world because your soul fails to achieve its worldly purpose; the
joining of your soul with its soulmate (Zohar; Lech Lecha, 85). So many
generations of people could have potentially emerged from your union
with your spouse. Were you to appreciate the ramifications of divorce on
the destinies of your descendants, you would think twice about taking
such a step. Therefore, don't divorce! It's not worth it.
Dear friend, have you been seized by madness? Do you realize the
repercussions of divorce? Because you've decided that you are
incompatible with your spouse you're willing to break apart your entire
family, while bringing on them disgrace. The shame and embarrassment
both families will suffer will cause them to shun the public eye. You
will be the talk of the town as everyone whispers about your misfortune.
Maybe a sigh or two will be uttered out of sympathy on your behalf, but
that's about it. In the meantime, who are the casualties left feeling
hurt and betrayed? Your families, and especially your misfortunate
children. So banish any warped ideas about divorce from your mind, no
matter how appealing they seem to you.
Concentrate your efforts better on repairing your marriage. Identify
negative traits, and the behaviors that stem from them, that need to be
modified so that you don't continue to exploit each other. The husband,
for instance, needs to learn to curb his natural tendency towards
stinginess. Stop digging at your wife for every penny that she spends.
On the contrary, in a spirit of generosity, delight in all that she
purchases for herself and the family - not to mention the household
necessities, like food. Other husbands need to stop resenting their
wives for the close relationship that they share with their family.
The husband blindly refuses to accept that these are his wife's parents,
to whom she feels love and affiliation, and he cruelly discourages any
contact she wishes to have with them. He needs to consider how he would
feel if his own child was prevented from visiting him! There are also
sadistic husbands that psychologically degrade their wives, treating
them like rags, to the point that they are reduced to the mere status of
maids.
Likewise, a wife has to be aware of her behavior and actions in the
marital relationship that constitute abuse. Some women torment their
husbands by refraining from purifying themselves, so that they remain
unavailable to their husbands. This is perhaps the worst form of
retaliation, because it leaves the husband with no permissible outlet
for his desires, and in his frustration he may resort to forbidden means
of satisfaction. There is no forgiveness for a wife that commits this
fon-n of abuse and her prayers are rejected by Heaven. Other wives are
domineering and controlling, and they have no qualms about humiliating
and denigrating their husbands when they don't get their way. Many wives
don't get along with their mother-in-laws, and are envious of the close
relationship their husbands share with their mothers. She may constantly
nag him to stop visiting his mother, but this doesn't cancel the fact
that this is his mother, nor does she have the right to prevent these
visits. A wife should ask herself, "how would I feel if my
daughter-in-law treated me this way?"
The issues contributing to marital unrest are many, but the mechanics
are invariably the same: with a finger of blame pointed at each other,
she accuses him of being cold and ruthless; he alleges that she is
manipulative and vindictive. Blind to their own faults, both parties
feel that their claims are justified, so all hope is lost for a peaceful
settlement. In this loveless stalemate, the bored couple occupy
themselves with finding fault with one another, constantly criticizing
each other, and thereby making their married life a misery. The future
of their marriage rests, then, only on the willingness of both husband
and wife to admit to their own mistakes and to recognize inherent
negative traits that are preventing their happiness. Otherwise a climate
of hate is created in which a marriage can t survive nor can children
thrive.
Just realize where all your unbridled anger, stubborn willfulness, and
twisted thinking has taken you - to the threshold of divorce! Wouldn't
you rather be enjoying the sweetness of marital bliss? Then your whole
approach to marriage has to change and you must be willing to correct
the abuses of the past. Stop hurting each other and start working
towards peace, for your sake and the sake of the children. There isn't a
more ideal condition for blessing to flourish than in a climate of peace
(Uktzin, 3; Devarim Rabbah 5,14). Moreover, there is no trait more
desirable in the eyes of G'd than peace, especially when it's the result
of uniting two opposites. Therefore, give your marriage a chance. Put
the spark of love back in your marriage by respecting each other and be
forgiving of one another. G'd, in kind, will grant you pardon and shower
you both with blessing.
Your marriage is suffering a crisis. The situation has grown dire. Your
options, you feel, are limited, if not nill, so divorce has become more
likely. Stop right there! Divorce is not the answer; it does not solve
marital problems. It's a cop out from a relationship in which you feel
that communication is iacking, mutual understanding is obsolete, and
passion is gone. You feel ripe for change and divorce is your chance to
find just that right person. You're in for a surprise, because the truth
is you'll get your change, but it will be a change for the worse.
Divorce is not a means of solving interpersonal problems nor is it a
positive step towards personal growth. If you sincerely wish to solve
your marital problems and want to save your marriage, then the change
has to come from within. In your manner of relating, now try using a
rational and intelligent approach, by acting positively towards each
other. Look for ways to be supportive of one another, cultivate mutual
respect and revive the romance by speaking tenderly with your spouse,
using terms of endearment. The whole atmosphere in your home will
transform into one of warmth and love. The tension caused by endless and
bitter fights, will dissipate, and so will the taunts of your neighbors.
Gone will be the days when you charged so brutally and wildly at each
other, locking horns with your spouse, until you found yourselves on the
verge of divorce. Then you will have the peace of mind to understand
what a mistake divorce could have been and how destructive it is to the
lives of your children. Had you placed your happiness before the welfare
of your children, you would have lived to regret your actions as your
troubled children slipped into the delinquent street life of drugs,
crime, and promiscuity. And, eventually as they are serving time in
prison, you would wake up asking, "how did my kids get so messed up?"
You'll only have yourselves and your reckless actions to blame, because
children emulate their parents and trust whatever their parents say.
Don't be selfish - have some consideration for your children and their
welfare. Don't sacrifice the lives of your children just because you
insist that your happiness comes first. When a person kills another
person, and even more so, when he kills many people, he is considered a
cold-blooded murderer; all the more so, when one murders his own
children!
Is it worth forfeiting the lives of your children just to feel that
sense of satisfaction you get out of hurting your spouse? Isn't it time
you outgrew your childish and petty behavior? I-zt your mind, stifled by
crude and narrow thinking, awaken itself to the awareness of G'd's
control over your life and all of reality. If you are in distress, then
reach out to Him and He will come to your rescue. All the pain,
suffering and dissapointment you've experienced in your life, which has
embittered you and made you into a stingy, cruel, hostile and begrudging
person, is because you've distanced yourself from G'd. Once alienated
from G'd you are left feeling that your entire destiny is in your hands
alone. With this exaggerated sense of self-importance and control over
your destiny you imagine that life will go on forever, and feeling
superior to others you give yourself the license to berate, abuse, and
humiliate them. If you possessed clear and genuine faith, however, and
were unmistakably decided about G'd's absolute control over all the
events in your household and G'd's sole role in making your match, then
you would return to Him. You would be overcome with remorse over your
corrupt views and misguided notions, that you adopted in your frivolous
youth, which now allow you to even consider divorce. Therefore put
matters in their proper perspective, by making yourself conscious of the
fleeting nature of life; one minute you're here and the next you're
gone! Every day a person is confronted with the harsh realities of life
in the form of dreadful diseases that take even the lives of the young,
in a most unspeakable manner. Picture in your mind a critically ill
patient lying on his deathbed; all the doctor's have given up hope; he
has just hours t olive. Do you think that he would even give a thought
to the idea of divorce? He would have to be a fool to consider such a
thing at this moment. It is only the couple's failure to appreciate the
precariousness of life, and the urgent need to imbue it with meaning by
serving G'd and having faith, that permits them to wrangle with each
other until they're prepared to divorce. Therefore, be sensible by
casting all silly thoughts about divorce from your minds. Reconcile
between yourselves at all costs by demonstrating to each other a
willingness to change. Don't be one-sided, expecting only the other
person to change. As an incentive, consider if it's worth the risk, in
this very short existence of ours, to break up your family and to invite
on them disgrace and humiliation. Ultimately, you will arrive at the
recognized truth that breaking up is not a means to solve marital
problems. What your troubled marriage is lacking is friendship, love,
unity, and cooperation. G' d favors the couple that chooses the path of
reconciliation because they establish a domain based on love and unity
in which G'd's invisible Presence desirably rests. Moreover, G'd enters
into partnership with the couple in the act of procreation as is taught,
t, three partners are involved in creating man: G'd, the father, and the
mother" (Kiddushin, 30). As you both take pride in the growth and
development of your children, don't overlook G'd's central and decisive
role in the whole process. Cultivate an awareness of G'd's presence
amongst your family members by attributing all that occurs in the
household to G'd's will. Even in the face of adversity or financial
hardship, don't cast blame on each other nor be overly stingy, rather
look Heavenward for relief, because G'd supports and sustains all of
creation. The matter of all finances are in G'd's hands, not subject to
the dictates of Man. So just concentrate on leading as fulfilling a life
as you can, in accordance with His will. Take this message to heart and
with G'd's help, you will be convinced to recant your tragic decision to
divorce. Then the prospects for your family's future will be bright, as
your home transforms into a paradise where children can thrive and
flourish.
All the wholesome and candid views expressed thus far were aimed to
dissuade you from embarking on that ill-fated course leading towards
divorce. Rather than destroy your life and literally the lives of your
children, why not simply make the necessary repairs to your marriage and
stick together! Make up your niinds firmly that from here on in you will
not hurt each other. As the husband, you are obliged not to get your
wife so upset and nervous that she falls into depression and despair. In
general, don't degrade her, especially not in public nor in front of the
kids. Similarly, the wife must refrain from putting down her husband and
not seek to dominate him. Even if he is a poor provider, it is no excuse
to degrade and humiliate him, because income is only determined by the
Almighty. On the contrary, a wife should rush to the side of her husband
who is struggling to make a living, and as a woman of valor, she should
only be supportive and encouraging. How many families were destroyed,
because the husband lost his job and the wife proceeded to berate her
husband and nag him for money. Demonstrating profound insensitivity, she
ignores the fact that her husband wants to work, except he was laid off
like so many others. Instead of offering hope and encouragement that the
situation will get better, she insults him publicly and in front of the
children, raising his ire to the point that he lashes out at her and
thus the marital battle begins, as was taught, "when the pantry is empty
the domestic squabble begins" (Temurah, 16). Therefore, a wife must be
patient with her husband and devote much attention to him, while at the
same time encouraging and supporting him. With soft and gentle words,
work to cheer up your disconcerted husband, and inspire hope by
explaining to him that this is just a test by G'd to see if we turn to
Him in our hour of need. Similarly, a husband is required to raise his
wife's hopes, keep her spirits up, and constantly encourage her. He must
absolutely guard himself from ever putting his wife down, or shaming her
in front of the children, the family, or anybody else.
The time has come for both of you to change your outlook on your
marriage and to try different approaches in relating to one another. Be
supportive of one another, and learn to respect each other by attempting
to understand how the other one feels. Live up to your roles as
helpmates just as G'd intended, when he put you together. Like it or
not, your marriage partner was pre-ordained in Heaven. Every day a
Heavenly voice proclaims: "so and so is matched with so and so" (Moed
Koton, 18). G'd's will shall be done and nothing, but nothing can stand
in it's way. Say what you want, but this is the destined pair and G'd
will contrive and devise all the necessary conditions and circumstances
so that ultimately they both say "I do". Therefore, why oppose G'd's
will? If you you've married it signifies that you were meant for each
other, so why all the resistance? And if you think that divorce is your
chance to escape, be aware that your life will become a living hell on
earth, literally! Therefore be sensible and accept your fate that you
were destined for each other. Don't try to alter your fate, rather make
constructive changes in your marriage. Forget about divorcing! Begin a
new chapter in your marriage life, by acting in goodwill, as rational
adults who love and support each other. Then the healing can begin and
G'd's Presence will rest in your home. If you would but only allow this
simple, yet powerful message to penetrate your hearts, you would at once
recognize the painfulness of your choice and recant. Choose peace and
you will be choosing hope, because peace is synonymous with G'd. With
His blessing and promise for a brighter tomorrow, you will both remain
together forever.
Over one hundred families of Breslover Chassidim now reside in the newly
built Yavne'el Breslov City in the Galilee. It has become one of the
most dynamic and rapidly expanding centers of Breslover Chassidus in
the world today. The city flourishes on the principles of Breslover
Chassidus which emphasizes joy and happiness, and its inhabitants relay
this message to all people they come in contact with. Breslover
Chassidim chose Yavne'el as their home because when Rabbi Nachman
visited Tiberias in 1798, he strolled on the surrounding hills, and
pointed towards neighboring Yavne'el saying, "There would be an ideal
place to live". After nearly two-hundred years, Rabbi Nachman's vision
has been translated into a reality as Yavne'el has been transformed into
a vibrant Breslov community. A beautiful new Bais Hwnedrash stands,
housing a Koliel, Yeshiva and Mikvah. The new Boy's School, Girl's
School, Nursery and Kindergarten are all institutions to be proud of.
At the same time, we continue our vital work of publishing the teachings
of Rabbi Nachman throughout the world in many languages, from which many
have benefited. All this amounts to a great financial burden so your
support is needed to help us continue our work.
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2. Ignore the Rationales that Make Divorce Sound Appealing
3. Realize the Repercussions of Divorce
4. Put Matters In Their Proper Perspective
5. A Couple Needs Spiritual Guidance
Yavne'el Breslov City in the Galilee
Mesifta Heichal Hakodesh
Chasidei Breslov
851 - 47 St.
Brooklyn, N.Y. 11220
to say these ten psalms, as a
wonderful remedy (tikun) for all
sorts of problems.
90 - 105 - 137 - 150
recite them every day.
Mesivta Heichal Hakodesh Chasidei Breslov
851-47th Street, Brooklyn, N.Y. 11220
Breslov City, P.O.B. 421, Yavne'el